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Lenardo of Auckland

 A tragi-comedy in five acts

by Ted Somerset macbeth-and-lady-macbeth-dee-timm

Dramatis Personae: 

Lenardo, King of Auckland

Shirleus, wife to Lenardo

Bankus, bastard, pretender to the throne

Palino, bastard, pretender to the throne

 Bevanus, mistress to Lenardo

Cameranius, deformed witch

Cookus, attendant to Cameranius

Weeweege, lover of Bevanus and himself

 Troterrius, Oracle

 McKayvus, disloyal attendant to Lenardo

Brightpence, a seer

Mintus, a soldier

Courtiers, attendants, beggars, soldiers, musicians.

Act I, scene 1.

Outside the King’s palace. Trumpets, hautboys without.

Enter Brightpence and Mintus severally, Mintus bleeding. 

Mintus:

From whenceforth cometh those sounds of revelry bright

which cast  some swathe of silvery sweetness on this pitchy night?

Brightpence:

Bright be me and bright this dawn

Lenardo triumphs, Bankus doth mourn

M: Be it so – now where will Bankus and his armies go?

B : To lick their wounds and plot anew, ‘ tis the art they best do know  – but wait – you’re falling faint and sore

M: Arms I did take up against the King, a wicked and a futile thing.

B: Pretenders arms may yet prevail – but if the dog be wagged by tale

M: What tale?

B: One that may freeze thy blood and all thy humours put in foul and frenzied state –

but stay thou – Cameranius cometh – wait

exaunt:

Enter Cameranius and Cookus, plotting:

etc etc

_____________________________________________________________

Synopsis:

Cameranius puts a spell on Bevanus, causing her to speak evil of her lover Lenardo. McKayvus believes the tale and plots the murder of Lenardo. Meanwhile Bankus and Palino raise an army to march on Auckland. Bevanus falls in love with Weeweege and infects him with chlamydia. Cookus hears of the impending murder of Lenardo, decides that will be too painless an end for the king and persuades Cameranius to cast another spell. The spell misfires and infects the whole of the invading armies with syphilis. Brightpence predicts Armageddon but no-one heeds her. Mintus tries to raise another army but is told by Trotterius that he will fail. Lenardo takes advantage of the confusion and stabs all his protagonists in the back, regaining his throne.

See also: South Auckland misunderstood

 

 

3 comments

  2. Several various incomplete editions of this work exist and none have been reliably authenticated as the genuine work of Somerset.
    This unverified fragment completing Act 1 scene I is one such:

    Enter Cameranius and Cookus, plotting:

    Cookus:
    Mark you Cameranius, this moist and brinded earth on which we tread, ’tis stain’ed – mark – by here – and here – as by some desp’rate hunted bloodyed thing.

    Cameranius:
    I smell some seep’ed blood from vexatious venial Mintus –
    Would’st all his ruddy liquor was so steep’ed in this dust.

    Ck: And firkins of Lenardo’s gore to chase it down.

    Ca: Lenardo!
    Was there ever such a king?
    An ape in human form, an apparition, a misshap’ped misbegotten thing
    a dregs and scum containing no good christian drink between
    An ape who japes and spits and jabbers at good souls who search for gold
    and with his bitter rancor dulls its sacred sheen
    Who darkens all our ways with dankest dross from his half rotted breath
    a kindness t’would be, to this excrescent king deliver death!
    Be known, well loved Cookus, such fair deliverance may be done,
    and that before the earlist reaching rays of this day’s sun.

    Ck: How so?

    Ca: Bevanus hath art to make it so, bestir thee Cookus, betimes we’ll to her fetid chamber go.

    Exaunt.

    Like

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